throws of perfection

Sometimes I just feel fully exhausted from the world. Earth is heavy. People are needy. Things are unfinished. Sin abounds. They won't stop killing. Arguable news anchors. Dogs that won't stop barking. We don't follow through with what we say. Unemployment. Blemishes on young skin. So much talking. It's just noisy.

Oh, how I crave for the serenity in Christ Jesus. I crave the peace that was set in place by our Father before Adam and Eve took a big juicy bite of the fruit that brought about discontentment. I crave perfection-- not necessarily because I want to be perfect, but in a way, yes. We all want to be perfect. We want the perfect job. We want the perfect relationship; the perfect marriage. We want perfect children and a perfect community of friends. We want perfect politics reigning over a perfectly moral country.

This isn't an altogether unnatural or unfair request. We desire perfection because we were designed for perfection. That was the original plan-- that we, humans, would live in perfect harmony with Yahweh as the crown of his Creation, enjoying all of the other perfectly lovely Created things with Him. But sin entered when humans thought that it was certainly all Good, but there was only one thing out of their reach-- ultimate power as the most Holy and Perfect one who was able to create perfection. We wanted what we couldn't have. And now we seem to always want what we can't have, do we not? Name your vice-- it's different for many, but with the same ugly roots as Adam and Eve. The ability to live within perfection created by God was removed from humans, but the desire for it remained.

And so here I find myself: sitting cross-legged in my room on the third floor, with my snoring dog beside me, my curtains drawn, soft music playing loud to drown out the sound of cars and talking, feeling imperfect myself and feeling frustrated with the imperfections and heaviness of the world. I want to be up there in that photo. I'm not saying that it's okay for me to feel this way; however, I feel a sense of understanding for the root of it all, and my love for God and for his Perfect Righteousness is increased.

yours

My dear Jesus,

Why is it so easy for me to block you out? Why is it so easy to just 'do my own thing'? Why can't I desire you now as much as I've desired you in the past? I desire to desire you again. From the pit of my soul, Lord, I want to need you. But I must tell you, that I'm afraid of that prayer. I'm afraid of you, and of all of your glory. You are so good and magnificent and righteous, and in comparison to you, Lord, I am dust. Fleeting, dirt-grey dust. You-- you are the glory of sunlight, baby's giggles, treacherous mountain peaks, thunder. What or who could ever compare to you? I am so unworthy of your saving Grace. But yet you saved me-- I cannot even comprehend the meaning of that. You. Saved. Me. From... death, sin, slavery. Those were supposed to be mine. Because of the fall of man, I was sentenced to death. Your creation deserved death. But, Lord, how you love us! You love me. You wanted me. You chose to die for me. And yet... here I sit, contemplating why it is so easy for me to disobey you and fall into sin time and time again. It shouldn't be so easy for me to simply not think of you, to only think of myself. You are so great. So good. Jesus, sweet Jesus, please captivate my heart and keep me in the shadow of your wings. I desire you to be my everything. And I love you, I truly do love you so much. I cannot wait for the day that I can bow down and kiss your feet and cry for joy in your arms.

"I seek You

with all my heart;

do not let me stray

from Your commands.

I have hidden Your Word in my heart

that I might not sin against You."

Psalm 119:10-11

meaningless

I can step back and start looking at everything objectively-- why do I wake up? Why do I make delicious food only to have to eat something else in a few hours? Why do I work? Why do I make money? Why do we need money? Where does it go, where does it come from? What purpose do I have on the earth-- wake up, do stuff, go to bed, do it again. Meaningless! Vanities! Vapors! Hebel!

Solomon felt the same way.

But he doesn't sit in the sorrow of everything feeling meaningless and repetitive and unfruitful.
Rather, he points out the why of it all... eternity.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet he cannot find out what God has done from beginning to end... I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear him." 

(Ecclesiastes 4:16)

So I guess that it comes down to this:

Whatever I do, in the name of myself, of my own reward and glory-- that is utterly meaningless.

But. Whatever is done by God, sometimes through me, is eternal, righteous, good, meaningful, beautiful.

And so, my heart should be turned toward truly glorifying God by my day's tasks, by my heart desires, by my words and all things that I think carry any worth at all, including those that seem to carry no worth at all. 

Meaningless becomes meaningful because of our ever-enduring, eternal God.